Mastering Crucial Conversations: A Leadership Q&A with John Nieuwenburg

Recently, I had the pleasure of joining Kathy Andrews on her podcast, For Leaders by Leaders, where we dug into one of the most important – and often overlooked – leadership skills: mastering crucial conversations.

In our conversation, we covered everything from emotional regulation to managing time, and how leaders can help their teams get better at having the conversations that really matter. Below is a Q&A-style recap of the episode. If you’d rather listen to the full interview, you can check it out here: For Leaders by Leaders

How did you get started in this work? What brought you to coaching?

I’ve officially been a coach since 2004, but really, I’ve been a coach all my life. I had a bit of a middle-of-the-night epiphany when I first started coaching – I realized, Oh my gosh, I’ve always been a coach.

I’m the eldest of eight kids – you can imagine that sets you up pretty early in life. I’ve always been hardwired to teach. I knew that in high school, but in those days, being a teacher meant tweed jackets and elbow patches, and that wasn’t for me.

Back in the early 80s, while working at Tip Top (a national men’s retailer) I learned about the Socratic method of leadership.

The idea that the best way to help someone is to help them figure it out for themselves.

That really clicked for me, and it’s the philosophy that underlies my coaching. I’m not here to tell people what to do – I’m here to help them discover what’s right for them to do.

What’s the one skill that great leaders seem to have in common?

After 21 years of coaching, I can say this with confidence – the best leaders are the ones most willing and most capable of having crucial conversations. That’s the common thread.

At first glance, it might sound narrow. But when you dig into it, everything in leadership ties back to communication.

Many business owners treat culture like it’s something you deal with later, like an afterthought. But I’ve come to understand that culture is actually the foundation of your business – and at the core of culture is communication.

Strategic planning? People think that’s the key to leadership.

But here’s the truth: strategic planning is about 5% vision and 95% alignment.

And alignment happens through communication.

Patrick Lencioni once said CEOs should really be called CCOs – Chief Communication Officers. I agree with that 100%.

Why do crucial conversations trip so many of us up? What makes them so difficult?

Well, when we’re faced with a crucial conversation, most of us respond in one of three ways:

1. We avoid it – pretend it doesn’t exist.
2. We confront it – and it turns into conflict.
3. We try to engage, but don’t have the skills – so it goes poorly.

Crucial conversations bring out internal conflict, and depending on how we’re wired, we fall into those patterns.

The best leaders I’ve worked with are the ones who’ve decided to rise above, become skilled, and lean into these conversations – even when they’re uncomfortable.

What are some strategies for handling a crucial conversation effectively?

First, you’ve got to recognize that it’s a crucial conversation – that awareness is key.

The book Crucial Conversations talks about finding common meaning – start by getting alignment on facts, so you’re on the same page.

From there, make the conversation collaborative instead of adversarial.

You want to solve the problem together. Look for a win-win outcome – something both sides feel good about.

But here’s the challenge – when emotions are running high, our intelligence goes down.

That’s when emotional regulation becomes critical.

You’ve got to have self-awareness, be able to recognize your own internal dialogue and emotional triggers, and hold those at arm’s length so you can respond more effectively.

Emotional regulation is a huge part of leadership. How do you help leaders improve that?

One tool I love is from Shirzad Chamine at Stanford – it’s called Positive Intelligence or PQ. He talks about the saboteurs – those voices in your head that lead you to react unproductively.

We all have a master saboteur – and then a mix of others. These are coping strategies we picked up as kids that helped us back then, but don’t serve us well as adults.

For me, my top two are hyper-achiever and controller. For example, when I get cut off in traffic, I get very reactive – not proud of it, and my wife hates it. But it’s a good example of how something external triggers a strong internal reaction.

PQ helps you rewire that. It teaches PQ reps – exercises that literally help you rewire your brain so you can choose your response instead of reacting on autopilot.

Did those saboteurs ever show up in your business life?

Oh, absolutely. In sales situations, for example – if I feel like a salesperson is trying to control the situation, I become uncooperative, even unpleasant. That’s my controller saboteur at work.

The first step is to recognize the trigger.

Then, as Stephen Covey says, you need to be response-able. Between stimulus and response, there’s a space – and in that space, you get to choose your response.

Another leadership challenge is time management. How does this tie into everything else?

Most leaders struggle with focus. Steve Jobs said it best:

Focus isn’t about what you say yes to – it’s about the hundred things you say no to.

I use a tool with clients called the Skill/Fun Box, also known as the Skill/Value Matrix. It’s a two-by-two grid:

• High skill, high value – spend most of your time here.
• Low skill, low value – delegate right away.
• Everything else – figure out what needs to shift.

I often ask clients to audit their time in 15-minute increments.

Most people won’t do it. So, here’s a hack: make your “Oh Sh*t List” – the tasks you dread. That’s your delegation list.

Another great quote from Tom Peters:

You are your calendar. Calendars never lie.

How you spend your time equals your outcomes.

How do you help clients stick to better time management habits?

Motivation and willpower are myths. None of us have enough.

You need systems and structure that support the behaviour you want.

I learned this from Shawn Achor. He wanted to play guitar, but always grabbed the TV remote. So, he took the batteries out of the remote and put them in another room. Now, when he walks into the living room, he picks up the guitar.

Change the environment to support the behaviour.

For me, I worked with a VA to help plan my week. Having the meeting with my VA forced me to do the planning I wouldn’t do on my own.

How do these concepts apply to leaders managing larger teams?

You’d be surprised – even people in big organizations can feel like they don’t have control over their calendar. But you do have agency.

I love a story from Covey’s 7 Habits. He asked someone to take on a new task, and they said, “Here’s my whiteboard – it lists everything we agreed I’m responsible for. If I take this new task on, what should I drop?”

That’s a crucial conversation. It’s about managing up and being clear about priorities and capacity.

How can leaders help their teams get better at crucial conversations?

One way is to start a Friday Book Club.

Have your team read Crucial Conversations together.

When everyone shares a common language and framework, it’s no longer personal.

Communication becomes easier.

What should leaders be thinking, doing, and saying when it comes to crucial conversations?

• Thinking – This is a skill I need to actively develop.
• Doing – Build self-awareness and self-regulation. Recognize triggers, choose your response.
• Saying – Create shared frameworks with your team. Develop these skills together.

How can you help?

I work with small business owners – people who are great at a trade or profession but didn’t get much training in how to run a business. As one of my doctor clients said, it took him 10 years to become a doctor – and maybe an hour of business training.

I can’t help you be a better lawyer or doctor, but I can help you run a better law practice or clinic. Click here to book a complimentary 15-minute call: Book Time with John